last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Randomize
