Apparently you make a good broom.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize