I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
