i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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