imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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