Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
