Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
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LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
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When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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