just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
