i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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