ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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