i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
