Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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