You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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