We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
