It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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