Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
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