i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
