You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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