Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
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