I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
