Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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