I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
