now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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