I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
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I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
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Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
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