just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
