My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm too high and old for this...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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