I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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