I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
