someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
