I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
