Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
