I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
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