my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
