He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
