i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
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And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
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Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize