I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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