If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
We're too hungover to prance.
Randomize
