She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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