Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
