Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Randomize
