so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I have so many feelings about this burrito
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
