I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
