You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Farmville is her only friend.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
