Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
