I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
