"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
