If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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