i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I touched a dick in church today
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
