i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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