so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
