I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
