My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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