"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
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