forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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