My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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