I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
